written by Dave Carnie as introduction for the september-issue 1997 of the BigBrother Skateboardmagazine
this fresh genius Dave Carnie allowed me to publish and thus preserve this text, that he wrote in 1997, for the coming generations - I really appreciate this fresh and totally honest and funny style - this guy is a genius! Keep an eye on his work... one of the main reasons, why I like this text so much, is, that it demonstrates how fun introductions to magazines can be - I wish, more authors would try to entertain their readers with their introductions instead of boring them to death with useless content-enlistings or likewise stuff!
my name is Dave Carnie. My friends know me as a quiet, intelligent man with a strong constitution and an unnatural propensity for alcoholic beverages. Others, like Mike Carroll, think of me as 'the weird guy.' Jeff Hanneman, of Slayer, once said that I was a 'dork.' Apt titles, for sure, but most of You only know me as the guy in the Shit video, wiggling my penis out a van door at 80 mph, and then yelling 'fruitcake' in a drunken stupor in New York. The shame it has brought upon my family is enough to make me weep, but the accomplishement has won the hearts of millions.
"Hey, aren't You the guy in the Shit video?" I often hear my fans say. And, if I have the time, I humbly stop midstride, turn to the admirer, wink, and say, "Yes. I am the man in the Shit video." Then I politely beg my leave, and attend to my course once again, but not before signing a few autographs and proffering my arm, gesturing that I would welcome a companion on my stroll to the liquor store.
Whoever I am I will never know, and I hope You com to some conclusions before I do, as to live in ignorance is to live in death; and judging by the smell of my ass, I'm very ignorant. I write this issue's intro to inform You that You will have an ample time to draw a character sketch of a mysterious man, that some have come to call "The carnivore"; whereas others, more playfully, and certainly mor Mexican, have endearingly called me "Carne Asada," because I am now an official member of the BIG BROTHER staff. Managing Editor, whatever that means. No longer will I be at the mercy of BIG BROTHER's editors. No longer will I have to grovel for my paycheck. No longer, though regrettably, will I live in San Francisco, with my small group of friends and my beautiful girlfriend. Yes, I have made a difficult decision by moving to Los Angeles, this filthy city with an embatted population; but it is to breathe new life into this publication and help make it the dirtiest, basest and silliest skateboard magazine on the planet. I hope to make You proud. Penis Vagina.
© by Larry Flynt Productions
back to the selection of english texts
back to the main menue